By Amanda Estes
Staff Writer
    “In many ways I felt as though I was the perpetrator…they had lost people and I had survived,” said Alan Putnam of his experience in support groups following his suicide attempt more than 10 years ago. “In all that despair some extra guilt about possibly leaving my family without a husband, without a father, didn’t help the situation any. What I really needed was hope and some indication that people really did survive and went on to live happy lives.”
    Putnam said, like most people, he does not want to talk about suicide. Instead the Cape Elizabeth resident would rather talk about the experience that restored his appreciation for life: a 5,000-mile solo bicycle trek across the country. Putnam shares his story in a book, still being edited, entitled "The Cows Look at Me Funny."
    “I was changing a flat tire in Arizona and speculating about whether they were cows or whether they were bulls and that I wasn’t going anywhere until I got the flat fixed,” he said of the book’s quirky title. “In some ways it was almost a sociological statement: I am who I am and I’ve done something a fair number of people have done or thought about and by talking about it, people look at me funny.”
    Putnam said the book’s tone is upbeat, but he also talks about the experience of waking up in the emergency room and realizing he had survived his attempt to take his own life.
    On Feb. 1, 1995, Putnam said he couldn’t bring himself to live anymore. Looking back on that day, he still doesn’t know how he survived. On that day he drove his car out to the middle of a blueberry field, hooked a hose up to the tailpipe, and left the engine running. He said he turned the radio off because he didn’t want to feel any sentiments. It was three or four hours later that someone discovered Putnam and transported him to the hospital.
    “I was fortunate in many ways,” he said. “I was out of sight and it was supposed to snow that night.”
     Putnam said the combination of a failing business, a dissolving marriage, and turning 50 exacerbated underlying feelings of depression and anxiety. It was after the suicide attempt and his marriage ended that Putnam bought a bike and signed up for the American Lung Association of Maine’s Trek Across Maine, a three-day, 180-mile ride. Although Putnam has had asthma all his life, he was able to complete the trip and the following fall, Putnam went to Cape Breton, Nova Scotia and bicycled up three mountains in three days.
    During these events, Putnam said he began to see cycling treks as a “great way to revision one’s life” and he began to think about a longer trek.   
    The cross-country trek began in October 2002 from Camden, Putnam’s place of birth. He said there was some symbolism in choosing that location as his starting point. From Camden, he rode to Assateague Island, Maryland, where he camped amidst the herds of wild ponies that wander the area’s beaches, forests, and salt marsh. After that experience, Putnam had to return to Maine to take care of some things and he put the bike in storage. After a winter of no riding, Putnam resumed his trek in March and reached San Diego in June.
    Putnam said his friends and family were supportive, but cautious. They inquired whether Putnam was worried about the people he might encounter on the road or whether his health would allow him to complete the trek. Putnam said, for him, those fears weren’t a factor.   
    “What bothered me more was the prospect that I might spend the next 30 or 40 years clueless about what to do with my life,” he said. “I had some challenges along the way. My friends were supportive…but nobody offered to go with me.”
    Throughout his journey Putnam said he garnered support from the people he met on the road. Between Maine and Pennsylvania, in particular, Putnam said he frequently met people who, like him, were “coming back from something.” He said among them, he met individuals who were recuperating from a stroke and degenerative muscle disease.
    “For the longest time…running through the back of my mind, was that I was coming back from Hell,” he said. “I was really suffering from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and when you’re in that frame of mind, you really want to give up. As I was riding, there were lots of times when I wanted to give up…and it became an analogy: it was fine for me to give up so long as I was willing to stay wherever that was.”
    When asked which area of the country he most enjoyed, Putnam hesitated. He said the Black Range Mountains of New Mexico stand out in his mind. The mountains, he said, were “so much bigger than (he) ever imagined,” and he did have some concern whether he could actually navigate them successfully.
    In terms of the region he most enjoyed, Putnam said that would probably be the Midwest. He said the ride through Texas had been hot and dusty until he came upon the San Marcos River, located in the center of the city, San Marcos.
    “It was crystal clear and it was right in the middle of a college campus and there were college kids in there swimming,” he said. Putnam got over his initial bashfulness, secured his bike, and went into the river. The next day, he went tubing in the Guadalupe River. “I never knew you could find that much water in the middle of a very dry place.” He said those days were a turning point in his trip, because up to that point with a few exceptions, the trip had been relatively mundane.     
    Putnam said he needed a challenge to change his life. He said the suicidal thoughts lingered with him for some time, but he has learned how to cope with them instead of giving in to them. He said he learned how to reach out to others and developed a phone list of people he feels comfortable discussing his thoughts with. He said writing the book has also given him a method to come to terms with his own feelings.
    “You spend a lot of time sorting out what it is you really think about it,” he said.
    Putnam started the book on the road and has been working on it, on and off, for the last three years. He currently works as an accountant but said what he really wants to do is write his story. Putnam doesn’t have a publisher, but he has approached a few agents, which he said is a necessary step in order to get a publisher.
    “It’s sort of like the bike ride,” he said. “I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to get there. I just know I’m going to have to get on that bike and pedal everyday and eventually I’ll get to where I’m going.”
    Putnam said he wanted to make the book accessible to a wide audience. He said the book is not about any of the technical aspects of his trip, but rather it is about the people he met along the way. He said it also has a love story, as he got back from his trek just in time to marry his wife, Sherry.
    Although suicide is not the focus of the book, Putnam said a lot of people can relate to the feelings or experiences that might cause someone to think about taking their own life.
    “Depression, PTSD, and suicide (are)… in one way or another, right there for a lot of folks,” he said. “It turns out from my own experiences, it’s a really lousy way to die and I don’t want to see anyone going through that.”   
    In the event that Putnam cannot find a publisher for his book, he said he will self publish. He said the message he is promoting is too important not to talk about. He stressed that he wants his story to be an example for others who are struggling in their lives.  He also said he has plans for another book, which will focus on his recovery process.
    Putnam can be reached for comment at aputnam1@maine.rr.com.